How to set goals that give you what you really want

So you have identified a goal you want to pursue.  How do you know if it is the right one?  Selecting targets is a serious business.  That is because choosing the wrong objective can have far-reaching consequences—the most detrimental of these being; missing out on the opportunity to pursue something better.  

Let’s say you decide to work toward a promotion at work.  That seems to be a good goal.  After all, isn’t that what everyone tells us to do.  Work hard, get a promotion, and then you can be happy.  But will that work for you?  Only you can decide.

Ask Why five times.

Here is a great little trick to help you clarify your thinking.  When you identify something you want, ask yourself, “Why?” five times.  In the example of seeking a promotion, the conversation may go like this.

In this example, asking why five times gets us to the heart of the issue.  What you really want is not a promotion; it is more opportunity to meet people and have fun.  

Life is about Experiences.

Another way to do this exercise is to keep in mind that what we want out of life is experiences. Feelings often define those experiences. So ask what it is that you want to experience and feel.

What do I want to experience from a promotion?

A higher income.

Why do I want to experience a higher income?

To feel more respect from my peers.

Why do I want to experience more respect?

I want to feel accepted, and as I belong.

Why do you want to experience acceptance and belonging?

I want to feel a connection with others.

In this example, the end goal is a connection to others.  That dovetails with the above purpose of socializing with others.  When we put it together, we find that what you want is not a promotion, but better relations with co-workers, and more fun.

Is the goal I have selected the only way to get what I want?

Now that you know your real desire, you can decide if the goal you have selected is the only way to get what you truly want.  Make a list of other ways you can get what you want.  Could you schedule a Happy-Hour with work colleagues, invite people over for dinner, volunteer to arrange a company social event, or outing?  Now that you know your objective make a list of all the ways you could achieve it.  Focus on methods where you skip all the middle stages and just go for what you ultimately want.

Is your original goal the best way to get what you want?

In the example of working for a promotion when what you want is a better connection to others and more fun, working longer and harder may be counterproductive.  If you’re going to spend more time with people and have more fun, how is working longer hours and putting yourself under more stress going to effect that?  You may need to stop and ask yourself if your original goal will get you what you want at all?  Working overtime to secure a promotion will prevent you from socializing with others, making friends, and having fun.  So ask yourself, is the original goal I selected the best way to achieve what I want?  Are any of the other potential methods of achieving that goal better?  More direct?  Make more sense?  Fit better with my values?

What is the best way to pursue what I want?

Is your original goal likely to get you what you want?  Is it the best way?  Is one of the other actions you could take more direct and likely to succeed?  Take some time to think through your options.  Decide what the best method is to get you where you want to go.  

Focus on the process.

Remember that happiness comes from goals that make us happy while we’re pursuing them, not just after we achieve them.  Is working long hours alone likely to make you feel connected?  Will spending weekends on work make your life more fun?  If not, then decide what you can do to make yourself happy in the process of pursuing your goal.  Planning a party and making arrangements with others can be as exciting as the event itself.  And of course, the party itself will be fun.  Only professional party planners wait until the party is over to decide if it was a success. The participants know they are enjoying the party while it is going on.

Remember your values.

If you did the Values in Action survey (take the free Values in Action Survey), you can look to your Character Strengths to help guide you to better goal setting.  Look for things you can do to take advantage of your strengths.  Or, select a trait that you are underutilizing and ask how you can use it in this situation.  

Keep your values in mind as you choose your goals.  You could work for the “Mega Pollution” company and make a ton of dirty money, but if you value the environment, it will make you miserable.  Instead, look to your values as a guide.  Life is much smoother when we bring our values and our actions into alignment.  So, let your values guide you.

Rediscover your mission.

It is easy to get over busy and transfixed on professional objectives like titles and salaries.  So take some time to slow it down and think about what matters to you.  Schedule a mini-break and physically change your environment.  Leave work and all the reminders of the things that stress you out for a few days and take the opportunity to get in touch with yourself.  

I also have found journaling to be very helpful.  I set aside time on weekend mornings before anyone else in my family gets up to write in my journal for one hour.  The practice helps me stay in touch with what is important to me and work through difficult issues.  When faced with a difficult challenge, I find that writing about it in the third person helps me gain a new perspective.  I will start by writing, “Chuck is struggling with …”

Need a little help jump-starting your journal writing, then try a few big questions.  Only big questions have the power to stir our souls, so now is not the time to go small.  Classic examples of big questions include, 

“What would I do if money wasn’t a problem?” 

“What would I do if I knew I could not fail?”  

“What would I do even if I knew I might fail, but was willing to try anyway?”

Remain flexible.

One of the biggest dangers of goal setting is Target Fixation; becoming focused on one objective to the exclusion of everything else.  The world is a dynamic place, always in flux and constantly changing.  To be a part of the world, we need to remain flexible.  Don’t become obsessed with achieving your goal to the exclusion of new opportunities.  Also, stay open to information that may tell you when you have gone astray and your current methods are not getting the results you want.  Be prepared to pivot in methods or even goals based on the latest information.  

There is no one perfect solution and no one “cure-all” goal.  Life is change.  When we embrace that change, we are not being wishy-washy, we are experiencing growth — and growth is one of the three key experiences in life (learn more about the Three Key Experiences.)

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