You play small when you don’t bring out your best. Learn how you sell yourself short and what to do about it.
You are playing smalls anytime you shrink from your potential. When you dismiss what you truly want in life for comfort and the illusion of safety, you are playing small. When you don’t pursue your dreams because you are afraid those dreams will make others uncomfortable, you are playing small. Anytime you throttle back your long-term potential for acceptance, the illusion of control, and security in the short-term, you are playing small.
The opposite is playing big: the willingness to endure discomfort in the near term to achieve what you want. It is the readiness to cope with risk, uncertainty, and discomfort in pursuit of becoming who you know you can be. And living large means a willingness to pursue what you know is in your best interest despite how it may make others feel.
Playing small is motivated by fear
Playing small is motivated by your fears, insecurities, and low self-esteem. It’s a scarcity mindset that tells you there is not enough, so you should settle for what you are given. While playing big is motivated by the things that bring you true contentment and gratification. Playing big is an abundance mindset rooted in the belief that you can make your life and the world bigger for the benefit of all through your efforts.
Playing Small is reactive
When you play it small, you are reactive. Life seems to happen to you as you frantically bounce from one urgent task to another while never gaining traction on the things that matter most. A slower, deliberate, creative, and focused way to live is to play big by taking control of and fabricating your world rather than responding to it.
Success does not mean you are living large
Whether you play small or big is not measured by how much success you achieve — because success at the wrong things is not success at all. Rather than being measured by external factors, living big is living in alignment with your values and personal beliefs.
There is no passion to be found in playing small — in settling for a life that is less then the one you are capable of living. — Nelson Mandela
So How Do You Know If You are Living Small?
Below are ten signs that you might be living small. Read through the list and see if any of them resonate with you. If they do, you may be living small.
1. Waiting for the perfect plan
People often fail to start because they believe that they need to have a perfect plan in place before they can begin. The problem is that no matter how well thought out your program, it’s unlikely that plan will survive contact with reality. The world is a chaotic and unpredictable place. Constraining yourself with a rigid strategy will rob you of the flexibility you need to adapt to a dynamic world.
Instead of committing to a plan, commit to the experience you want from life. Do you want to be free, alive, creative, purposeful, and content? Then commit to that experience and adapt your plan as needed to provide you with the experience of being alive that you desire.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. Don’t wait for an inspired ending to come to mind. Work your way to the ending and see what comes up.
— Andy Weir
2. Waiting for permission
Growing up, you felt the need to seek the approval of others before you thought it was ok to begin something. You want this approval as a means of ensuring that you won’t make anyone else unhappy. So you seek everyone else’s permission before you begin. Permission seeking might have been a good idea when you were a child, but now that you are an adult, it is time for you to give yourself permission rather than seek the approval of others.
Next time you feel the need to seek permission, ask yourself if you really need their consent or if what you really want is approval. Because if you are going to do anything worthwhile, you must take bold, novel actions that will make others uncomfortable. But others don’t like being uncomfortable, so they will likely say no if you ask them for permission. Instead, ask yourself if what you are attempting fits with your values and will make you a better person for having tried — whether you succeed or not. Then give yourself permission.
You just need that opening, that moment, when you finally decide to give yourself permission to change.
— Tosca Reno
3. You succumb to the tyranny of urgent tasks
No matter how much you accomplish, there will always be more that needs to be done. It is a Catch-22, but completing one task often creates more work to do rather than less. Responding to one email often results in a reply in your in-basket. The problem with reacting to all of these urgent tasks is that it keeps you from creating the life that is yours for the taking.
Instead of bouncing from urgent task to urgent task, slow down and live more deliberately. Decide what is most important and ensure you focus on that. There will never be an end to your to-do list. So instead of measuring your life based on the quantity of your accomplishments, measure your success based on the quality of your life and work.
Never let the urgent crowd out the important.
— Kelly Caitlin Walker
4. You don’t prioritize recovery
You believe that life is a nonstop race from one task to the next. You think that taking time out to care for yourself is a luxury you can’t afford. Yet Formula-1 racers, arguably the fastest athletes, know the importance of regular pit stops to maintain their performance. Why don’t you do the same for yourself?
Treat yourself like you would treat your car. Give your mind, spirit, emotions, and energy the care they need to recover and rejuvenate. Rest when you need to. Make time to eat, sleep, exercise, and spend time with the people who make your life worth living. Enjoy your life like a fine meal, don’t rush through it like a fast-food takeout. Make time for the things that matter most. There is no trophy for being the first one to arrive at the grave.
Suffering isn’t ennobling, recovery is.
— Christiaan Barnard
5. You don’t focus on what you want
When asked what you want out of life, you respond with a list of what you don’t want rather than what you do. But knowing what you don’t want is not the same as knowing what you do want. A good life cannot be build by running away from what you want to avoid. On occasions, there will be times you must do things you would rather not do to get what you do want out of life. You won’t know which task those are unless you know what you ultimately want.
Figure out what experiences you want in your life; freedom, love, creativity, vitality, and joy. Then pursue those experiences. Stop the complaining. Ask yourself what you want out of life and take action to make that happen.
Focus 90% of your time on solutions and only 10% of your time on problems.
— Anthony J. D’Angelo
6. You fail to take responsibility
You often explain away your disappointing life by blaming others. For example, your team’s project fell flat, and you blame Bob for having dropped the ball on a critical part of the presentation. But is it all Bob’s fault? You can’t have complete control over all the events in your life, but you still have some control over them. And with that control comes responsibility
A better approach than blaming others is to take radical responsibility for your life. That means holding yourself accountable for events you have even marginal control over. For example, rather than blame Bob for letting the team down, ask how the team could have better supported Bob to ensure he succeeded. Did Bob adequately understand the importance of his role? What could you have done to ensure Bob had all the resources he needed? You can’t control everything, but if you look carefully, you will see that there are always elements you have some control over. Take radical responsibility for those elements where you can exert influence.
Everybody wants to take responsibility when you win, but when you fail, all fingers are pointing.
— Mike Krzyzewski
7. You take responsibility for the wrong things
You can’t make anyone else like you because whether or not they like you is not up to you. You can make yourself miserable trying to get others to do what you want. But you are not in charge of them. You are only in control of yourself.
Stop trying to please others and taking responsibility for things that are outside of your control. Instead, focus on the one person you do have complete control over, yourself. Trying to control others actually gives them power over your and leads to a victim mentality. Don’t go there. Instead, empower yourself to take responsibility for yourself and leave others to look after themselves.
Don’t try to win over the haters. You’re not the jackass whisperer.
— Scott Stratten
8. You run away from discomfort
The hard truth is this, to become who you are meant to be and do what you are here to do, you will have to be uncomfortable at times. Nothing worth doing is easy. To live a fulfilling life, you will face uncertainty, risk, fear, disappointment, failure, and discomfort. That is just the way it is.
Rather than see this reality as being forced to “suck it up,” try turning it around and choose to “embrace the suck.” “Suck it up” is the product of a scarcity mindset where you think you aren’t entitled to better. But you can also choose to embrace the challenges in your life and see them as ways to grow and improve. What you want out of life is waiting for you on the other side of your temporary discomfort. So face that unpleasantness as the means to what you want in life and “embrace the suck.”
If you are always allowed to stop training whenever you feel discomfort, you will find it to easy to give yourself permission to quit.
— Jet Li
9. You look to others for validation.
It is a dangerous trap to base your self-worth on what others think about your achievements. It’s unlikely everyone else will value the same things you do. What may look like success to you may not seem the same to someone else. And that is ok, as long as you don’t attach your personal value to someone else’s value system.
The only person you need to satisfy in your life is you. Your relationship with yourself is your most important relationship. If you can’t get that one right, you won’t be able to get any other relationships right either (trust me, I tried). So learn to become your own best ally and supporter. Once you do that, you will begin to attract others who share your values. It’s a paradox, but when you stop pursuing validation, it is attracted to you.
It’s tragic that we recognized our self worth from external validation.
― Aditya Ajmera
10. Always looking for the next thing
You always feel that you need just one more thing to be happy. Maybe it’s a new car, a bigger house, promotion, 10-pound weight loss, an award, or a degree, but you don’t find yourself satisfied when you achieve your goal. Instead, you immediately start looking for the next thing that you think will finally make you happy.
Take a look around you at all you have accumulated but which has not alleviated that need for one more thing. Then ask yourself if the next thing is likely to be any different than everything that came before. Probably not.
The truth is, if you can’t learn to be happy where you are, you never will be satisfied no matter where you go. Stop looking for more stuff to add to your life and instead train yourself to appreciate what you already have. Focus on the experience you want to have in life rather than the stuff you want to accumulate.
Happiness will never come to those who do not appreciate what they already have.
— Bhudda
Conclusion
Playing small isn’t just about you because playing small does not serve the world. Nobility does not come from shrinking so that others won’t feel insecure around you. Instead, eminence results from living large, bringing out your best, and showing up every day to do your work, regardless of how others feel about it. You are meant to shine, not to hide your light.
Be a lion, strong, focused, and proud enough that the lion doesn’t worry about the opinion of others. Don’t be the zebra, reactive, fearful, and seeking the illusory safety of the herd. Absolute security does not come from blending in; real protection comes from developing your strengths and pursuing your unique purpose. Safety comes from leaving the heard behind to become the lion you can be.
