“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”

– Leo F. Buscaglia

“’m just so worried,” is a phrase I have heard from family members in the hospital over and over. I won’t deny that they should be concerned, but worrying is often counterproductive for them and their loved ones.

Worry is a cheat. Worry tricks you into feeling you are doing something useful when you aren’t. Worry about things you can’t control waste energy that you could better spend on things you can affect. And in the worst case, it keeps you from taking action you need to take. Action that could have a positive impact on the outcome of the situation you are worried about.

What you need to do is stop worrying and start doing something productive. But that is easier said than done.

“That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.”

– Chinese Proverb

What is worry?

Worry is the attempt to control something that you perceive as outside of your control. Time and energy invested in outcomes you can’t control is worry. While the same investment of effort in things you can control is called work.

Worry is not productive. Worrying about a situation does not change the situation. It doesn’t make you feel better about your problem. Worst of all, spending your time worrying keeps you from doing something that might make a difference.

Worry tricks you into believing you are doing something when you aren’t. When you worry, you feel yourself expending energy and emotion, which gives your mind and body the impression you are making a difference. But the effort you are spending is not accomplishing anything productive. It is just giving you the false sense that by worrying, you are helping.

Instead of wasting your time worrying, you need to channel all of that energy into productive thoughts and actions.

“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere”

– Erma Bombeck

How to worry better.

Worry is often the result of the false belief that there is nothing you can do. You may worry that you will not get a promotion at work. But all that worrying is keeping you from seeing the opportunity to stand out from your peers. If you stopped wasting effort feeding your anxiety and instead put that same effort into finding a way to stand out, you could help ensure your success.

To stop worrying and start working, you need to break down the process into three key steps; seeing the issue clearly, separating what you can control from what you can’t, selecting the right action, and executing that action with a will. Let’s look at each step in a little more detail.

“Worry compounds the futility of being trapped on a dead-end street. Thinking opens new avenues.”

– Cullen Hightower

See the issue clearly.

The first step is to ensure you perceive the problem correctly. Focusing on worry gets you focused on what you can’t control. But there are always things you can do. When my father was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer, my medical education told me it was terminal. Rather than worry over a miracle, I took stock of what I could do. I could spend as much time with him as possible. I could make sure my children had the opportunity to form good memories of their grandfather. And we could prepare as a family for what was to come. Worrying would not change anything, but taking action could.

How to put it into practice.

Look at the situation objectively. Take a step back and look at the problem from a detached perspective. One way to do this is to imagine it is happening to someone else, like a close friend. How would you see the problem differently? What advice would you give that person? What might you be able to see from the outside that they can’t see from inside the issue?

Another good tactic for getting perspective is to write about it in the third person. I have started journal entries by writing, “Chuck is worrying about _____.” Thinking in the third person allows you to look at yourself from the outside. Writing in the third person can help you separate the facts of the situation from your feelings about the situation.

You can also gain perspective by taking a long view of your problem. Imagine yourself six days, six months, or even six years into the future; how will you see this problem from there. Will it be the tragic event that ruined your life, or will it be forgotten? Looking into the future also helps you see the positive effects dealing with this problem now may bring you down the road.

“If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.”

– E. Joseph Cossman

Separate what you can control from what you can’t.

I could not make my father’s cancer go away. I could determine how I responded to the diagnosis and how I took advantage of our time. Even in the gravest of situations, there is always some element that is within your power. Even in the worst circumstances, there is always one thing in your control, your attitude.

Review the problem objectively and look for the elements where you have some control. Focus your thought and energies on those aspects of the problem, not on the parts you can’t control. When you focus on what you can control, you will find that there are productive things you can do.

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.”

— Epictetus

Select the right action.

After reviewing the problem objectively, take stock of elements in your control. Knowing what you have the power to affect will inform you of the actions you need to take. Don’t waste energy on worry when you could spend that energy making a difference in even a minuscule way. To waste effort on anxiety is self-indulgent when there is work you could be doing. Don’t cheat yourself and others out of the difference you could make by worrying rather than working.

You would like the situation to be different or not have the problem at all, but that is not within your power to achieve. If you can’t reach it, then it is a wish, and wishing in difficult situations is not productive. If something is outside your control, let it go and focus your energy where it can make a difference.

When you take the time to see the situation clearly and focus on the parts you can control while letting go of what is outside your control, the path you need to take will become clear. Next, you need to summon the will to walk that path.

“There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.”

– Harold Stephen

Execute with a will.

Knowing what you need to do and doing it are two separate things. To follow through with your plan, you will need to summon the will to take action.

Be clear on why you are doing what you have committed to do. When you have a strong enough reason why you will find a way to make progress. So keep that why in the front of your mind at all times. In the case of my father, I wanted to make the most of the time we had. To let my Dad know I loved him and ensure that my children had positive memories of their grandfather and how much he adored them. Then I found ways to make that happen.

Unfortunately, things will go wrong. No plan survives contact with reality unscathed. Rather than let this frustrate you, anticipate that there will be difficulties along the way. Think ahead about what could go wrong and make contingency plans to address those bumps in the road. When you anticipate the challenges and plan ahead, those bumps will be much less likely to knock you off your path.

Now, take action. No amount of worrying will change the situation; action will. Take these words from Theodore Roosevelt to heart “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” Commit to take action on your plan and to seize control of that which you can control.

“I never worry about action, but only about inaction.”

– Winston Churchill

Conclusion.

Worry tricks you into thinking you are doing something productive when you are not. Worst of all, worrying can keep you from taking action that could make a difference in the situation. To defeat worry, you need to step back and dispassionately look at your case. Gain perspective by looking at the problem as if it is happening to someone else or writing about it in the third person. Once you gain perspective, you will see aspects of the dilemma you do have control over. Seize on those aspects and get to work making a difference. As for the parts that are outside of your control, let them go so you can put your energy where it will make a difference.

“Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything.”

– Mary Hemingway