What it takes to Make a Great Marriage

I tried using the Golden Rule to improve my marriage but learned that the Platinum Rule makes a marriage great.

My wife and I once attended an event for a group that promoted marriages.  They told us we could become marriage counsels after we had been married for twenty years.  That seemed a ridiculously long time, but it took me about that long to learn the most important lesson about a good marriage.

I approached my marriage by the Golden Rule; “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  So I treated my wife the way I wanted her to treat me.  It was like I was trying to teach her how I wanted her to act towards me.  What I failed to recognize was that she was doing the same to me.  To take our relationship to the next level, I need to learn the Platinum Rule.

The Golden Rule

My wife and I were in a low spot in our relationship.  Nothing was wrong, but things were not right either.  Twin boys followed eighteen months later by a baby girl had been more blessings than we had dared dream of.  But those three young children were a lot of responsibility as well.  Now outnumbered, my wife and I had moved from one-on-one defense to zone coverage, and it was taking its toll.

Neither of us had a lot of time or energy left for the other.  That was when I started using the Golden Rule wrong.  I was treating my spouse as I wanted her to treat me.  I hoped she would recognize what I was doing and mirror that back to me.  I wanted her to give me more attention, so I tried to be more attentive.  However, after a long day with children demanding her attention, that was not what she needed.

Meanwhile, my wife was trying to do the same with me.  She was treating me the way she wanted me to approach her.  I did not recognize it at the time, but I have come to understand that by treating me as she wanted to be treated, she was giving me her best.  She was giving me what she most wanted as a way of showing me she loved me.

The problem both of us were in was that we were using the Golden Rule.  We were treating the other as we wanted them to treat us.  But what if what we wanted for ourselves was not the same as what the other wanted.  Then by giving what we wanted to the other, the other did not get what they needed and wanted.  It was like we were trying to say “I love you” in two different languages.

The Platinum Rule

The lesson I learned during this phase of our relationship was this.  The Golden Rule is not enough to take our marriage to the next level.  To do that, we needed to move up to the Platinum Rule.  That rule states, “Do unto others as they would like to have done unto them.”

I started trying to treat my wife the way she wanted.  Maybe she didn’t want me to be so attentive. Perhaps she just wanted to sit and enjoy a little quiet time without someone clamoring for her attention. Maybe a soak in a warm bath with a glass of wine alone was what she most needed.  So rather than request her attention (what I wanted), I gave her space to relax in her way while I did the dishes and straightened the house.

My new approach gave her the chance to decompress in peace while I completed the mundane housework.  After that, she was much more receptive to spending a little quality time with me.  To get what I desired, I needed to give her what she wanted first.  I needed to live by the Platinum Rule.

Gary Chapman explores this topic in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts¹ where he writes; 

Expressing love in the right language. We tend to speak our own love language, to express love to others in a language that would make us feel loved. But if it is not his/her primary love language, it will not mean to them what it would mean to us.

I was talking to my spouse in my love language, and she was talking to me in hers.  We both understood the other cared for us, but the full message was getting lost in translation.

I needed to learn to show my wife I loved her in a way that was most meaningful to her.  I needed to learn to speak her language and show her love the way she appreciated it.  This was counterintuitive, but if I wanted to have quality time with my spouse, I needed to give her time and space away from the children and myself.  If I wanted her attention, I needed to stand alone in the kitchen, wash dishes, and clean up the mess left in the wake of a young family.  

Once my wife had time to escape the pressures of the day, she was more open and receptive to my bid for the attention I needed to feel loved.  To get what I wanted, I needed to stop modeling my desire (the Golden Rule) and instead focus on giving her what she needed (the Platinum Rule.)

Give it a try.

Give it a try in your relationship.  Learn how to speak the love language of your spouse.  Gary Chapman’s book has exercises to help you and your partner figure out your love language if you need guidance.  It also contains lots of tips on speaking your partner’s language if it is different from your own.

Another good way to discover how your loved one wants to treat them is to watch how they treat you.  If they are trying to give you space, they may be telling you that they want freedom.  If they are always looking for things to do and ways to help, they may be telling you that they desire more of the same.  Be open to what your partner is telling you through their actions, which tend to be more revealing than our words.

A solid relationship is a beautiful thing, but love alone is not enough to make it happen.  It does take work and time to build understanding and trust.  Twenty years’ worth of experience?  Yes, I am starting to think at least that long.  I’m hoping it will take a lifetime because I have become fascinated by learning to speak the language of my spouse.  It is a journey that I hope will keep me intrigued for the rest of my life.

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