“If she doesn’t have the time for me, then I don’t have the time for her.”
I was frustrated in my marriage. Not a big surprise as I was unhappy in my life. With three young children, my wife and I were always busy and exhausted. I just wanted to relax and get a little attention from the woman I love. How I went about trying to get that attention is not something I am proud of today.
My wife and I had been married about a decade before we had children via a long and challenging process. Now we had three (twin boys and a little girl), all born within 18 months. To say our lives where turned upside-down was an understatement. So my wife had little time and energy left for me after the kids finally went to bed.
I was hurt by this lack of attention. Before the children, I had a decade of her undivided attention, now I was feeling neglected. I’m not sure that makes me a callous jerk, but the way I went about trying to get more attention did.
First, I whined.
When whinnying did not work, I got sulky. I withheld my own affection. I acted distant in the childish hope that my wife would notice this and feel compelled to win back my attention.
This proved a counterproductive strategy. Why would my wife want to try and win the affection of a cold, standoffish jerk? Instead of winning me more attention, my approach was only making the situation worse. My attitude when we were together can’t have made my wife want to spend more time with me. I wasn’t only not getting the attention I felt I deserved, my behavior ensured that I never would.
I was using misguided logic. I assumed that if I got what I wanted, namely more love and attention, I would do the things to make me a good husband and be more loving. I saw it like this;
Have more love —> Act more loving —> Be a loving husband.
I was expecting my wife to make the first move and give me the attention I wanted. When I got what I wanted, I would become the kind of person who shows love and affection. So, I was trying to force my wife to be more loving by thinking that if she did, I would reward her by being more loving myself. That strategy was failing, and it was taking my marriage down with it.
I needed to look at the problem from a new perspective. I had to be honest that this was not my wife’s fault. In fact, it was more my fault than hers. So the change needed to start with me. I needed to be more loving. I needed to be to my wife what I wanted her to be to me.
So I decided to try a little experiment and be a more loving husband. I helped out around the house to free up a little more of her time. I even purchased flowers and small gifts. I took the attention I wanted to receive, turned it around, and started being for my wife what I wanted her to be for me.
The change in our relationship was like rain falling in the desert. In what has been a parched environment, the little added attention produced a significant difference. Our affection for each other bloomed. We started making more time together. Turned off the TV and just appreciated each other’s company. We planned “Date Nights” where we set aside one evening a week to enjoy some wine or a dessert and just be together. We even got a sitter and went out on the town.
Today my wife and I share a strong and deep bond. We are very close. Not because I manipulated her through whining, withdrawal of affection, and stonewalling, but because I became more loving. And because I became more thoughtful, I started acting more loyal, which got me what I wanted, a better relationship with my wife.
Be loving —> Do loving things —> Have more love in my life.
I originally had the order backward. Like many unsuccessful people, I assumed that if I got what I wanted in life, I would become the kind of person who deserves those things. They think;
Have —> Do —> Be
But the reality is that to get what you want in life, you have to first be the person who gets those kinds of things. Once you become that person, then you begin to do the things that will get you what you want.
Be —> Do —> Have
That is the formula for success in love, marriage, and life. It’s ok to think about the things you want in life: love, money, success, etc. Just don’t focus on the things you want. Instead, ask yourself what kind of person gets those things? What kind of person receives love? A loving person. Be that caring person, and you will do the things an affectionate person does and reap the love you desire.
This lesson can also apply to any other aspect of your life. At the lowest point in my life, I was obese, out of shape, and unhealthy. Quite the change from the active outdoors person I had been before I went to medical school. When I wanted to be healthy and fit, I started thinking of myself as someone who did something active, namely hiking in the Himalayan Mountains. I began by imagining myself as the kind of person capable of accomplishing what I wanted to achieve. That got me doing the things a Himalayan trekker would do: physical training and sensible eating. The end result was that I got fit, lost weight, and had a fabulous experience in Bhutan.
Today I am trying a new experiment. Ever since high school, I have dreamed of being a writer. I wanted to be a person who put their ideas out into the world and saw those ideas make a difference in others’ lives. To that end, I read a stack of books on the subjects I would write about. But I did not do the one thing that writers are known for — writing. I didn’t see myself as a writer. So, I started small and applied for a fellowship with the medical website Doximity. When they accepted me, I began to see myself as a writer. Having deadlines to meet got me to plant my butt in a chair and do the writing. What I found is that being an author and writing are reinforcing cycles. The more I saw myself as a writer, the more I wrote, and the more I wrote, the more I saw myself as a writer.
Will I ever achieve my goal of being self-sufficient through writing? I don’t know. I know that the first time I got on a treadmill with a new attitude on fitness, I would not have believed I would one day run a 17.1 mile race at high-altitude over steep and rocky terrain. All I do know is that I am a lot closer to my goal of being a self-sufficient writer now that I am writing every day.
I wanted to have the things that writers have, but I wasn’t doing what writers do. Then I looked at the other changes I had made in my life. Want to make a living as a writer, then become the kind of person who makes a living as a writer. Once you become that person, you will do the things a successful writer does, and then you can become a successful writer. Does that work? The jury is still out on that one. What I am learning is that having the mindset to become a successful writer has me sitting at my computer every day, building a website, learning about writing, and market writing. It will not be an overnight process, but I hope that if I keep at it, I will succeed in the end.
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