The problem with life is that it does not come with an instruction manual. With no clear idea of what we are supposed to do or how we are to do it, we turn to society for advice. But societies’ goals may not be the same as your goals.
Ask most people what they want out of life, and they will tell you that they want to be happy. However, society wants us to be productive. Society wants us to pursue achievement and wealth because society thinks that is what it needs. So it convinces us that the way to happiness is to achieve a lot and be productive.
Achievement does not Equal Happiness
The problem is that there is little correlation between achievement and happiness. Although being in poverty will make you miserable, further achievement does not correlate with more happiness once you leave poverty. The added work and time away from home may harm wellbeing. You may dream of a beautiful home theater with a giant TV, incredible sound system, and reclining chairs, but if working to pay for it means you never get to use it, did you win?
If you find that you are not getting where you want to go in life, it may be time to recheck those instructions. Imagine you are trying to drive to a party in an unfamiliar part of town. You have programmed your phone’s GPS with the destination, but it keeps trying to direct you down one-way streets going the wrong way. Once you realize this device isn’t getting you where you want to go, odds are you would turn to a new source of directions, like a paper map or asking someone for help. Or you might call the people you are trying to join and ask them for the best route.
The Wrong Solution
Unfortunately, that is not what most people do. They may recognize the instructions they are following are not getting them the desired results, but they reach the wrong conclusion about what to do. Instead of rethinking their assumptions, they double down and work harder, hoping that more achievement will lead to happiness.
The sad part is that they are wasting time. They could have the happiness they deserve. The problem is that societal programming isn’t bringing people joy; it blocks them from being happy. That is because they have unknowingly erected a barrier between themselves and happiness. That barrier is their belief that they must achieve something before they can be happy. They believe they must get the promotion, a bigger house, a nicer car, and only after attaining those things can they be satisfied.
It is these societally placed beliefs about what it takes to achieve happiness that are keeping them from being satisfied. Even the way we talk about happiness tells us how society had imposed its desires upon the individual. Society tells us we must “achieve happiness,” thus throwing its desire for achievement onto our desire for happiness. Society hijacks our desire for happiness to realize its ends, and we are the losers.
What we need to do is remove the blocks from our perception. I don’t think I can put it better than the Indian Jesuit priest and psychotherapist did in his book, Rediscovering Life(associate link).
“When the eye is unobstructed, the result is sight. When the ear is unobstructed, the result is hearing. When the mouth is unobstructed, the result is taste. When the mind is unobstructed, the result is truth. And when the heart is unobstructed, the result is joy and love.”
—Anthony de Mello, Rediscovering Life
My Story
For years I believed that to be happy in my marriage, my wife should act in a certain way. When she did not do that, I was unhappy. Not because she did not love me and was not a good wife, but because my block kept me from seeing all that she was doing. When I took a step back from our relationship and decided to focus on being the husband my wife deserved, I saw her clearly. I took off the blinders on my heart and was able to see all the ways she was showing me love and appreciation.
The sad part is that my wife had been showing me love, in her way the whole time. When I felt she was not giving me what I needed to be happy, the problem was me and not her. She gave me the best of herself, but my assumptions kept me from recognizing anything that did not fit into my narrow expectation—an expectation placed by society.
My point is that love and affection were always there. I just needed to take off my societally imposed blinders so I could see it. I needed to let go of my expectation of what a marriage should be to appreciate what a good partnership really is. And when I did that, I found myself surrounded by love and affection that had been the whole time.
The same is true of happiness. It is there for all of us right now. If you are not finding it in your life, the odds are that you are not looking in the right place. You have blinders on that are keeping you from seeing the good already in your life. Rather than focus on what you think you need to be happy, focus on what you already have. Keep in mind that many things you have today were things you only wished for in the past. At one time, you expected those things to bring you happiness, and they will if you appreciate them and drop your mistaken belief that you can only be happy if you get something else or something more.
The Wise Use of Achievement
Keep in mind that the desire to be productive and achievement-oriented is society telling you what it wants. That does not mean that achievement is wrong. A desire to achieve can be useful and produce happiness if it is applied wisely.
When we work toward meaningful goals, then achievement can produce happiness for us and others. The key is to find a purpose that takes advantage of your talents and interest in the service of a bigger goal than yourself–a cause you believe in that provides value to others.
Again society can hijack this approach. It does so by telling us what goals we should want to achieve. The trick is to take off the blinders and see the full spectrum of options available to you. Then select that one that fits with your interest and aptitude—the one where you can make a difference. The one where doing the work will make a difference to you whether or not you achieve the desired outcome.
Don’t fall for society’s limited menu of means to achieve happiness. Society wants us to think life is like a fast-food restaurant where we have to order from a limited menu with no substations. But life is much bigger than that. Life is a smorgasbord with diverse items to choose from and a near-infinite number of combinations. Enough for each of us to find our unique happiness and meaning.
All we need to do is take off the blinders that society has placed upon us and see what is out there. Then have the courage to step off the path we are told will lead to happiness and blaze a trail to the joy that is right for us. It is already there; just take off your blinders so you can see it.
If you found this article helpful, please feel free to forward it to anyone you know who may benefit from it. Don’t forget to check out more great content at ChuckBPhilosophy.com and sign up for the email, so you don’t miss any more posts.
