How you think about death drives how you live. Avoid thinking about death, and you avoid living.
“Death may be the greatest of all human blessings”
— Socrates
You are going to die. There, I said it. I know it’s not polite. It’s not the thing people tell you, but you need to hear it because knowing you will die may be the most liberating thought you will ever have.
I have been a surgeon for nearly three decades. I have seen a lot of people die in that time. I have seen it go poorly, filled with pain, anxiety, regret, and suffering. But I have also seen how some people turn it into an empowering force in their life.
What is the difference between dying well and dying poorly? I can sum it up in one word, Acceptance.
You can’t live to your fullest when you are in denial about one of the most fundamental aspects of life, that it will end. Those who accept the truth that they are mortal squeeze more life out of their limited time on this planet. While those who fear death and try to avoid thinking about dying spend their lives in avoidance — not just the avoidance of death but also the avoidance of living.
“I want to be all used up when I die”
— George Bernard Shaw
The Denial of Death is the Denial of Life.
When you refuse to accept that you will die, things go undone and unsaid. Avoiding thinking about death gives you the false certainty that there will always be an opportunity in the future to right the wrongs of today. But that is not the case. Your time in this world is finite, and so is the time of all the people you care about. If you don’t accept that reality, life goes unlived.
By avoiding thinking about dying, you are avoiding living.
There are two ways to look at death. The first is that death belittles life and makes it meaningless. This is the attitude that we are all going to die, so what is the point. Such a nihilistic viewpoint doesn’t help you to live. Instead, it is an excuse not to live, a cowardly way to avoid life’s challenges.
The second approach sees life as limited, which makes life precious. Life becomes like a fine meal, something finite to be savored while it is fresh. It is an event that is made better by knowing that it will end and never happen again. When you adopt this attitude toward death, life becomes something to savor.
To deny death is to deny that life is precious.
Death is the one thing all humans hold in common. The most powerful kings of history share one thing with their lowliest subjects, they are all in the grave. Death is the great equalizer. No one can escape it. Not even a man with as much money and fame as Steve Jobs could avoid the inevitability of his ultimate fate. You won’t be able to either.
The universality of death makes it the great equalizer of all humanity. No matter what differences we may hold in life, we are all equal in the face of death. This is more than accepting “you can’t take it with you,” it is a way to embrace the common humanness that binds us all to each other. Death is the one thing all of our futures share.
“Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.”
— Benjamin Franklin
Death as the Liberator of Life
Knowing you will die is the most liberating thought you can have. When you accept the reality of your ultimate end, you become empowered to live.
Motivator to start.
Knowing that your time is limited is the ultimate motivator to get started on what matters today. Once you embrace that you don’t have forever to do all the things you want to do in life, you get motivated to begin. Not just started on what matters most, but also inspired to drop all the things that waste your time and won’t matter in the end. Does it really matter if you impress your boss with the long hours you put in when you recognize that both of you will die and no one will remember?
Accepting that you will die allows you to focus on what is most important. Don’t squander your precious time on the priorities of others. Instead, ensure you do what is most meaningful to you. Make time for the people you care about the most. You only have so many opportunities to take that trip, read that book and tell someone you love them. Don’t wait. You don’t know what death has planned for you or the people who mean the most to you. Do it today. Make bold plans, but also remember to tell the people you love that you love them.
Death takes the sting out of failure.
The main reason you don’t take more bold chances in your life is the fear of failure. We all fear the humiliation that will come from a lofty goal unfulfilled. This fear of failure keeps you small. It keeps you from trying, and it ensures that on your deathbed, you will feel regret at not having been braver and going for it when you could.
Why will you feel regret on your deathbed? Because when you get to that point, you will understand that your failures mean little in the end. Once you are gone, it’s unlikely anyone will care about them, most importantly you. In a hundred years, no one will remember. Accepting this reality makes it easier to try and fail, which is good because you will regret less what you tried that did not succeed than what you never dared to attempt in the first place.
Thinking about death makes for a better life
As long as you are alive, you can create any life you wish. But once that final breath leaves your lungs, you can’t do anything more. Keeping this thought in mind empowers you to create the life you want for yourself today.
Live a safe life, and you will die just the same. Is the point to live small so you can arrive safely at death? I don’t think so. Accepting your eventual demise allows you to make the most of your one brief chance at life. So take chances, make mistakes, be shamelessly awkward, tell people you love them, look foolish, and fail. You will soon be dead, so what does it matter? Do that one thing you keep telling yourself you can’t do. Maybe you can do it. Would you rather die without finding out? All that matters is that you make the most of this brief moment.
Thinking about death reminds you of what is most important.
The saddest thing to see is people going through life who don’t appreciate all their blessings. Instead of focusing on all the good in their lives, they see what they think is lacking. Yet, all of us are blessed to be alive.
Don’t believe me? Try this, think about someone in your life. It could be anyone, a close friend, spouse, parent, child, or co-worker. Now imagine that you just got a phone call telling you they died. You will never see them again. The future moments you planned on sharing with them will never happen. Whatever it is you wanted to say to them will forever go unsaid. How does that make you feel?
Goodness fills your life. Reflecting on what it means to lose those people and things helps bring your blessings into relief. And you need to do that because you will one day lose it all. Reflecting on that sad thought will remind you of who and what is most important in your life. Then you can focus on the most meaningful parts and let the rest slide.
People who lose focus on what matters most spend their lives worrying. But there is one thing you don’t need to worry about, dying.
“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose”
— Steve Jobs
Don’t Worry About Death.
Worry happens when you can’t be sure if something will happen or not. You worry your flight won’t be on time or that severe weather will damage your home. People worry when things are uncertain, but death is not one of those things. Death is certain. You will die, and so will everyone about whom you care. Death is the one certainty in life.
You don’t need to worry about death because it will happen. So, worrying is a waste of time. Rather than worry about dying, you need to plan for the certainty of your end. And the best way to do that is to get good at thinking about death in a life-affirming way.
“No one here gets out alive”
— Jim Morrison
Life-Affirming Ways to Think About Dying
Attend your own funeral.
You will attend your own funeral one day, but that won’t do you much good. What will do you good is to envision your future funeral today. Take a little time to think about being laid to rest in detail. What will the setting be? Who will be there? What will they say about you? What memories will they share? Then ask yourself if this is the way you want to be remembered.
In 1888, Alfred Noble confronted his legacy when reading his own obituary. Several newspapers had confused the death of his brother Ludwig with Alfred. Alfred Noble was an inventor, and his most successful invention was dynamite, used in mining and other civilian applications. But a French obituary about him was titled, “The merchant of death is dead.” The writer went on to say, “Dr. Alfred Nobel, who became rich by finding ways to kill more people faster than ever before, died yesterday.” The vitriol of this article shocked Noble, who saw his life’s work as helping rather than hurting humanity, but he could not argue that there wasn’t merit in what the writer said.
Shaken by the realization of how the world would remember him, Noble set out to change that perception. In his Will, Alfred Noble set aside most of his fortune to establish the Noble Prize to recognize and reward those who did the most to advance humanity. Today, everyone knows about the Noble Prize, but few remember that the invention of dynamite and military explosives made Alfred Noble rich and his prize possible.
Write your own obituary.
Someday, someone will write your obituary. What will that person say about you? More importantly, what do you want them to say about you? Do you want them to write that you were always the first to arrive at the office and the last to leave? Or do you want them to tell how you made your corner of the world a little better? The choice is yours, and a great way to explore that choice is to write your own obituary. Write out what you want people to say about you, what you want them to remember about you and the things you did, and how you made them feel. Then go out and start living your life to make that idealized obituary your own.
If You Only Had One Day to Live
What would you do if you knew that you only had twenty-four hours to live? Would you go through the same old daily routine? Or would you use that day to make up for lost time?
Imagine you only have twenty-four hours to live. Think about what you would do with that time. Where would you go, and who would you be with? What would you say to people? What impressions of yourself would you want to leave behind? What memories would you want to make?
Sit yourself down and put some serious thought into the question, “What would I do if I only had twenty-four hours to live?” Write out an itinerary? List where you will go, what you will do, and who you will do it with. Be specific. Especially think about how you will close the open loops in your life. What things don’t you want to leave unsaid? Who needs to know that you love them?
Here is the scary part: you could only have twenty-four hours left to live for all you know. So how can you incorporate the elements from the last twenty-four hours exercise into the days you do have. Admittedly, you can’t skip work every day to hang out with your loved ones like you would if you knew it was your last day on earth, but you can incorporate elements of your plan into everyday life. You can make time for the people you care about. You can apologize and put past grievances behind you. You can make time for the things that make each day worth living; a good meal, friends, fun, and personal enrichment.
This exercise can help you see what is most important to you and keeps you from wasting time on things that won’t matter. Once you know what those things are, you can start making slight changes to make each day the precious gift it is.
Stretch it out.
A useful variation of the One Day to Live exercise is to stretch out the time horizon. What if you only had one month, one year, ten years, or fifty years to live? What would you do? Put some thought into that question because you do have only a finite amount of time on this earth. Just because you don’t know how long you have does not mean you can ignore the question. You don’t have infinite time, and it is already later than you think.
Imagine losing what you love.
Blessings surround you — people who love you, good friends, health, a home, your job, good food, a place to lay your head each night. Yet, you take these things for granted. You don’t tell people how much they mean to you because you don’t stop to realize how much they do. One good exercise to correct this oversight is to imagine losing them.
When my son was two weeks old, his pediatrician listened to his heart and then informed my wife and me that he had a murmur and needed to see a pediatric cardiologist as soon as possible. We made the appointment that day; then we waited in dread, worried about what the heart specialist would tell us. Would our son grow to be healthy and happy, would he need surgery, or did we need to prepare ourselves for the unthinkable?
Your boss may drive you crazy, but stop and imagine how you would feel if you lost your job. What about your home, friends, car, or your infant son. It turns out that thinking about the unthinkable is an excellent way to appreciate what you have. Imagining losing the things you have is a great way to come to appreciate how blessed you are.
When I do this exercise, it sends a chill through me. It is a hard thing to do, to look at losing what matters most to you. Your natural inclination is to turn away from the various pains these thoughts bring but don’t do that. That pain carries an important message about what matters most to you.
Make time to think about the unthinkable. Try to imagine what it would be like to lose the people you love and the things you take for granted. Once you do, you won’t take them for granted anymore.
My son is now an amazing young man, tall, strong, intelligent, creative, and endowed with all the potential in the world. I would love him no matter what, but having to face the idea that he might not be here today has made me appreciate every day I have had with him just a little bit more. I wouldn’t want to go through the heartache of waiting to see the pediatric cardiologist again, but facing the fact that my son might not be healthy has made me so much more appreciative of the fact he is.
“Every man dies — not every man really lives”
— William Ross Wallace
Conclusion
The denial of death is also the denial of life. Knowing that your life is finite makes the little time you have precious. Ignoring your mortality cheats you out of the opportunity to live life to the fullest, connect to others on a fundamental level, and skip past the fear of failure. Don’t pass up your one opportunity to experience being alive because you are afraid to recognize that you will die.
When you contemplate what death means, you will find renewed enthusiasm for living, a new appreciation for the people you share your limited time with, and the ability to walk away from the people and things that don’t serve you. So make time to think about death in a life-affirming way. Contemplate losing the things you take for granted to feel appreciation for what you have. Think about what you would do if you only had a day or week or a year to live because the time remaining to you is limited, and it is later than you think. It’s time to start living like this is true.
The goal of life should not be to avoid or put off death but to create something worth living for in the time we have.
“Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives”
— Andrew Sachs
