I lost nearly 100 lbs of weight, and the trick to doing it was not what you would expect. I had tried diets before with no success. I had tried exercise, bought a treadmill, and even joined a gym with no change in my waistline. Turns out the secret to losing weight was the one thing I had been denying myself.
I used to look in the mirror and see myself all fat and think about what I loser I must be to have allowed this to happen to me. Then I would get down on myself for my lack of willpower and vow not to eat anything that day as a way of punishing myself. Punishing myself for my lack of self-control and for being a “fat slob.”
Then I would proceed to skip breakfast and lunch as my new radical weight-loss plan. I would get hungry and feel the burning in my gut as the day went. I would tell myself the hunger was good. That the hurting was what I deserved for my glutinous weakness in the past. I used my self-loathing to push myself into the early afternoon on a starvation diet.
As the afternoon wore on, the hunger would get to me. The lack of food led to a lack of energy, which caused my willpower to sag. Then I would give in. Usually, at the worst time, to the worst foods. In those late afternoon hours, the food ready at hand was either snacks in the break room or something from a vending machine.
There I would be eating the worst things possible — the very foods that had gotten me into this predicament in the first place. I would scarf down the cake or candy bars and wash them down with soda. Then I would go back and do it again until I felt sick from the sugary load. Not just physically ill, but sick emotionally as well for having ruined my morning of suffering with another blowout of willpower.
I loathed myself even more after those binges. I vowed not to eat at all the following day as a way of punishing myself for my transgressions. And the cycle repeated itself day after day.
The irony in this pattern is that if I had started the day with healthy eating, I could have avoided the junk food bender. A bender that did more harm than a half-day of fasting did any good. But I could not see it that way because I was blinded by how much I detested myself.
I Need to Make a Change
I would love to tell you I had an epiphany and my attitude changed, but that is not how life works. In romance novels and movies, people may fall in love. In my own experience, love is a process of growth. My love for my wife started as an interest, and the passion grew from our experience together. Which is great because we have been able to keep growing that love for three decades. And because of that, every year just gets better.
What I needed to do was to learn to love myself. The self-hatred and denials were not working. And the failure only made me hate myself more. I needed to learn to love myself first, but I did not know that yet. Instead, I decided to take a trip to Bhutan.
The tiny Buddhist kingdom nestled protectively in the Himalayan Mountains fascinated me. Isolated from the rest of the world, it had changed little over the centuries. People still worked and meditated in the same building that had been there for a thousand years. I wanted to see that before a new plan to start opening the country to tourism changed the culture.
I got the opportunity to travel there with a medical group, and as soon as I saw the chance, I knew I had to take it. So I did. There was only one problem, I was in no shape to be hiking in the Himalaya.
After signing up for the Bhutan trip, the first thing I did was to sign up for a gym membership. This time I did not sign up with the fancy gym on the edge of town where all the other doctors went. Instead, I signed up for the more conveniently located YMCA. To further make the process as easy as possible, I rented a locker to keep all my gear handy and signed up for the towel service. Now I would never have an excuse not to go.
I started going to the YMCA for twenty minutes a couple of times a week. Then I added more days and longer sessions. When you are as obese as I was, the results can come fast at first. I saw the weight drop quickly as my endurance improved.
Nothing Breeds Success Like Success
As the old saying goes, nothing breeds success like success. As I saw my early success in the gym, I got hooked. Then I started to wonder what would happen if I stopped eating all the fried foods I knew were so bad for me. How would that affect my weight and fitness? So I gave it a try. Not only did I lose more weight, but I also found I felt less “heavy,” had less reflux, and slept better.
For the next year, I was on a teeter-totter going from upping my physical training to improving my diet and back. All of these changes occurred in small increments. But the significant change occurred somewhere along the way without my noticing it.
Somewhere along this journey, I stopped hating myself. My exercise and improved diet were not things I was doing to punish myself. Instead, it was the opposite. I was now taking care of myself out of love.
Rather than denying myself food, I ate better and made better food choices. I now saw what I put in my body as fuel. Like the driver of a high-performance car, I selected premium fuel for myself. I purchased healthy snacks to take to work. I tracked what I ate on my smartphone so I could make better decisions.
What Made the Real Difference
The real difference between obese me and fit me is not the exercise routine or the diet; I have come to love rather than loath myself. When I tried to motivate myself with hatred, exercise and diet felt like punishment. Now living healthy feels like caring for myself. I run because I know it makes me feel good and gives me more vitality. I eat the foods that make me feel energetic and avoid those that made me feel lethargic. I do it because I know it is what is best for me, and I want to do what is best for me.
I wish I had a formula for how to learn to love yourself. I seem to have done it through the back door. I never confronted my antipathy towards myself directly. Instead, I just started doing the work, and my attitude towards myself changed when my actions changed. It did not happen overnight. I did not “fall in love” with myself. Instead, I slowly grew into it. And maybe that is a good thing because I have continued to grow that feeling for a decade.
During that decade, I traveled to Bhutan and hiked in the Himalaya (photos here.) I ran a half-marathon in Wisconsin before moving to the Colorado Mountains, where I have run several trail half-marathons and the grueling 17.1 mile Imogene Pass Run over the 13,114-foot high pass the event gets its name from. I run outdoors, lift weights, bike, ski, and live an active life. If anything, I am only getting better each year. And I get that way because I love myself and care for my body as I would care for anyone else I love.
If you want to get better, you will need to check yourself and see if your motivation to do so is from self-loathing or self-love. In my experience, only the latter can produce positive results. If you find that it is disgust with yourself that motivates you, then I would find another way to motivate myself. Make it something you care about. In my case, it was hiking in Bhutan. What will it be in your case? Then use that outside yourself goal to get you doing what you need to do. Once you start doing and seeing results, your attitude toward yourself will change. Future progress will become easier until it is second nature.
Do Something for Yourself
Go do something right now. Don’t hesitate. Your better self is waiting for you to invite them in. So drop right where you are and do one push-up. Sound silly? It is, but what would be more silly would be not to do something so ridiculously easy. Go ahead and do it. You will feel better about yourself after you do.
Did you do it? Good. Now you can feel good about yourself. Now grow that feeling through daily actions until you can feel the love for yourself.
