The one thing most holding you back in life is that you fail to do what you know you need and want to do. Understanding why will show you how to fix that.
There are two fundamental questions in self-development; “Why don’t we pursue the things we want in life,” and “Why don’t we do what we know we should.” In this article, I will address the second of those two questions.
You know what you need to do to become the best version of yourself. There is no shortage of articles on what you need to do; eat right, exercise, expand your mind, meditate, read, get outside your comfort zone. The problem is that knowing what you should be doing and actually doing it are two different things. So why don’t you do what you want to do and what you know you should? More importantly, How can you get yourself to start doing what you should?
You Think Tomorrow Will be Better
The most common reason for not doing what you know you should is that tomorrow always seems like a better day. You are tired today. Or you have too much else to do. Or today is someone’s birthday, and it would be rude not to eat cake. But the truth of the matter is, tomorrow will have just as many reasons not to start as today.
Today is the only day
There will never be a perfect day to start. There will always be some reason that today is not the best day. But the fact of the matter is, today is the only day you can do it. You can’t go back into the past or forward into the future. The only time available to you is now. So seize this moment. Don’t wait for some miraculous future day to arrive; it won’t. Take your first step today. Take it right now. It doesn’t have to be a big step; it just has to be some action. Taking that action convinces yourself that you can be trusted to take action toward your goal.
If you want to get in shape, don’t wait for the perfect day to start a gym membership. Instead, go for a walk. Want to eat better? Then skip one cookie. The actions do not need to be big, but they do need to be today because today is the only day you can start to make the changes you want to make in your life.
Planner Bias
Another big problem you face is that the person who plans to change is not the same person who will do the work. It is easy for you to plan to do better tomorrow. After all, the planning costs you little. That is because the person who has to eat those vegetable spouts is not the same person who made the plan.
The person who must carry out the plan is a different person. That doer may not feel the same motivation to follow through as the planner. The doer will be tired, hungry, busy, stressed, or any number of other things that will make it hard for them to implement the plan. But the planner rarely considers this in their preparation.
Anticipate failure so you can plan for success
The solution is to plan better. Don’t assume that the doer will be energetic and ready to go. Instead, assume the opposite. Then plan how you can make it as easy as possible for the doer to follow through. What can you do today to make tomorrow easier? Can you pack a healthy lunch tonight, so you don’t have one more thing to do tomorrow on your way to work? Can you set out your workout clothes today so you don’t have to hunt for them tomorrow?
Plan better. Don’t assume tomorrow you won’t have all the challenges you have today. Instead, anticipate what those challenges will be and plan how you can ease the path for the doer and make them more likely to follow through. Anticipate failure so you can plan for success.
Your Future Self is a Different Person.
You know that you should put money away for your future. It’s hard to miss the importance of 401k’s, 403b’s, and IRA’s. The hard part is taking the cash you could spend on something you want today and instead saving that for the future. The problem boils down to the fact that you see your future self as a stranger. The 65-year-old version of you seems like a totally different person, and it’s hard to motivate yourself to do something for someone you don’t know.
Researchers exploring this phenomenon found that they could induce people to save more money for the future by allowing them to interact with an age-progressed rendering of themselves. The researchers used computer software to create aged simulacrums of the participants and then encouraged them to interact with the older versions of themselves via virtual reality. According to the study’s authors, “… participants who were exposed to their future selves in virtual reality allocated more than twice as much money toward the retirement account … than did participants who were exposed to their current selves.”
You may not have access to virtual reality, but you can still get a look at your future self using software on your phone. Programs like AgingBooth allow you to transform a photo of your current self into a simulation of what you will look like later in life. Seeing your future self can be a little disconcerting, but it also makes that person feel more substantial, which will help you make decisions today that will have a better impact on yourself in the future.
Get to know your future self.
It’s also helpful to think about the kind of person you want to be in the future. What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of people do you want to have as friends? How do you want to act, dress, and talk? What level of health and fitness do you want to have? Take the time to visualize the person you want to become until you know that person. Creating a clear vision of who you want to become is a great way to motivate yourself today to do things that will benefit your future self.
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.”
— James Clear, Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones (1)
Discouragement
No matter how long and difficult you think achieving any goal will be, it will prove longer and harder than you think. Perhaps this is not all bad. If we fully understood what we were getting into, we might never start. But once started, the harsh reality of how difficult and taxing the project is can be discouraging.
Hofstadter’s Law
“It always takes longer than you expect,” is the first part of Hofstadter’s Law and the ironic second part states, “even when you take into account Hofstader’s Law.” The truth is that there is no way for us to accurately predict how long it will take to achieve any goal, and even when we take that knowledge into account and plan in extra time, it still takes longer than expected. You can’t get around this; you need to accept it. We know this from experience, yet we forget it anyway every time we start something new.
How to deal with Hofstadter’s Law
There are three ways to work with Hofstader’s Law; the first is to turn to someone with more experience. If you have never done something before, try to find someone who has and ask them what it really took. Also, find out what went well and what they could have done better. Learning from their experience may help you speed up your experience, but not likely. Instead, what will help is knowing that someone else faced the delays, challenges, and frustrations and was ultimately successful. As I tell my children about challenges like algebra, “If someone else did it, you can do it too.”
The Second way to defeat Hodstader’s rule is to plan in less detail. Avoid considering the specifics and simply ask yourself how long you have taken to do roughly similar things before. Look back at your previous experience and assume that this new task will be comparable. Then remind yourself that you did it before; you can do it again.
The Third strategy is not to plan at all. This counterintuitive move has the advantage of letting you get started right away. It is also ideal when neither you nor anyone else has ever done what you are attempting before. The strategy is encapsulated in the phrase, “Ready, fire, aim.” The idea is to get started immediately so that you can start collecting feedback. Then you can use that feedback to adjust the course, try again better and collect more feedback. The idea here is to course-correct as you go rather than plan it all out from the beginning.
Choose the strategy that works best based on whether you, someone you know, or no one at all has ever done what you are trying to do. But whichever strategy is best, remember that the best way to finish is to get started. Don’t waste time on detailed planning that probably won’t withstand contact with reality anyway.
Ready, fire, aim. Do it! Make it happen! Action counts. No one ever sat their way to success.
— Tom Peters
Low Probability Events.
Low probability events include car accidents, illnesses, family emergencies, natural disasters, and other things that are unlikely to happen but will disrupt your life if they do. Here is the thing, as unlikely as any one of those individual events may be, the likelihood that some adverse event will occur is pretty high. Life-disrupting events are the norm, not the exception.
Every night my wife and I end the day by discussing our plans for the next day and usually comfort each other with the idea that the next day won’t be as hectic as the current day turned out to be. Of course, the next day laughs at us. Unexpected complications occur, and tomorrow ends up being just as out of control as today. Although it is unlikely any one bad thing will happen in our day, with three children, it is a given that some minor emergency will arise every day.
Because these events are unlikely, we don’t plan for them. How could we? Instead, the trick is to recognize that something will happen to throw you off your game. That is the reality of being alive. Only the dead know what to expect from tomorrow.
Expect the unexpected
Facing this daily reality, I have found that it works best to plan my day with a bit of buffer for the unexpected. I do my most important task of the day at the first opportunity. Usually, first thing in the morning, when I am sharpest and the day hasn’t had much chance to pitch fastballs at my face. I leave a little slack in the latter part of my day to deal with the unexpected. That way, I stay on my goal while also dealing with what may be. If I leave my essential work until later in the day, something invariably comes up and keeps me from my goal. I recommend you adopt a similar approach.
You Don’t Want To Do It.
Often we accept the goals of others without realizing it. We find ourselves saying things like, “I should eat kale.” But the fact of the matter is that you hate kale and don’t want to eat it. So you don’t because you don’t really want to do it, and that is fine. Eat some other leafy green that you do like. What is not acceptable is torturing yourself over what you should do but don’t want to.
These “should goals” are someone else’s idea of what you “should do” and “should be.” But you will never be the best you can be if you are trying to be someone else. So drop the “should” goals and the guilt that goes along with not achieving them.
Should goals are extrinsically motivated, meaning you do them for others in the hope of winning praise, money, status, or other rewards that come from outside the self. But the motivation you need is internal motivation, the act of doing something that does not bring an obvious or immediate consequence. Instead, you do it because you want to do it. It makes you feel good and brings you alive without any external reward.
I did not become a regular exerciser until I found the internal motivation to hit the gym. When I did it because I wanted to look better or show off to my friends, I found it hard to stick to a routine. After all, exercise is hot,
difficult, and sweaty — not so appealing. Then I started doing it because I wanted to hike in the Himalayas on an upcoming trip to Bhutan. Now I was doing it for something I wanted, and I subsequently fell in love with the process of improving my performance and the feeling of vitality a strenuous workout brought me.
Find you why
What got me going was a good “why.” When my why was to look better in front of my friends or because I thought I should do it, then I fell off the exercise bike within a few days. When my why was to do something I want to do — hike in the Himalayas — I was motivated to follow through for myself, which kept me going long enough to fall in love with the process — making me a daily exerciser for more than a decade now.
Find your why. Ask yourself why you want to do what you plan to do. Is it for you or others? If it is because you think you should do it, then you have lost already. Instead, connect with a goal that gives you a solid why that motivates you. So what if it isn’t what others think you should do, because there is only one should goal that is worth pursuing, you should become that person you are capable of becoming. Becoming the best you can be is the one thing the world needs from you.
Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive
— Howard Thurman
You Wait Until You Feel Motivated
The classic mistake is to think of motivation like a lightning strike. You want it to come out of the blue and light your fire, like a tree set ablaze by the awesome power of nature. But that is not how motivation works. Motivation must be coaxed into life, little by little.
Unlike a lightning strike, motivation is like building a fire with flint and steel. You collect the firewood, cut it into kindling and then whittle it into a soft bed of tinder. Then you strike the flint to create a spark. You then coax that spark into starting a flame in the fuel and nurture it into a progressively more energetic fire. If done correctly, you can create a fire that rivals the majesty of the one created by lightning, but which is much more reliable.
Just start
Motivation does not come out of the blue. If you wait for inspiration to strike, you will never get started. Instead, you need to start before you feel ready. Motivation comes from action. You start with a tiny, fragile spark, and you coax that into something bigger. The trick is to start with a small spark. We want big motivation because we want to achieve big goals. But big dreams are accomplished one small step at a time. So start with the most minor step imaginable. An action so ridiculously small that you can’t help but achieve it. Want to write a novel, then scribble down one sentence on the back of a sales receipt. Want to get fit, then drop and do just one push-up. See, you don’t need motivation to start; you just need to start. Then once you have begun, you can build from there.
Motivation does not produce action. Instead, taking action creates motivation. So follow the classic Nike advice and “Just do it.” You will find that one small step leads to another and another. You will be glad you took the first tiny step.
You Wait Until You Feel Motivated
The classic mistake is to think of motivation like a lightning strike. You want it to come out of the blue and light your fire, like a tree set ablaze by the awesome power of nature. But that is not how motivation works. Motivation must be coaxed into life, little by little.
Unlike a lightning strike, motivation is like building a fire with flint and steel. You collect the firewood, cut it into kindling and then whittle it into a soft bed of tinder. Then you strike the flint to create a spark. You then coax that spark into starting a flame in the fuel and nurture it into a progressively more energetic fire. If done correctly, you can create a fire that rivals the majesty of the one created by lightning, but which is much more reliable.
Just start
Motivation does not come out of the blue. If you wait for inspiration to strike, you will never get started. Instead, you need to start before you feel ready. Motivation comes from action. You start with a tiny, fragile spark, and you coax that into something bigger. The trick is to start with a small spark. We want big motivation because we want to achieve big goals. But big dreams are accomplished one small step at a time. So start with the most minor step imaginable. An action so ridiculously small that you can’t help but achieve it. Want to write a novel, then scribble down one sentence on the back of a sales receipt. Want to get fit, then drop and do just one push-up. See, you don’t need motivation to start; you just need to start. Then once you have begun, you can build from there.
Motivation does not produce action. Instead, taking action creates motivation. So follow the classic Nike advice and “Just do it.” You will find that one small step leads to another and another. You will be glad you took the first tiny step.
Autopilot
At least 40% of what you do, think, and say is the result of habit and not a choice. That means we spend a significant part of our day on autopilot. The autopilot on an airplane works by detecting when the aircraft deviates from its prescribed course and then nudges it back. Your personal autopilot does the same thing, which means that when you want to change your life direction, your autopilot works against you.
Your autopilot can determine your actions from habit, meaning you do things without thinking about them, like brushing your teeth. Your autopilot also has a way of letting you know when you have deviated from your usual course. When that happens, you feel uncomfortable. Even something as simple as trying a new route to work can produce anxiety, which is why people stick to the same old patterns. But you don’t change your life by doing the same thing. That means you will need to be willing to be uncomfortable if you want to improve your life.
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
To make meaningful change, you will need to force yourself to be uncomfortable. It’s easier to stay in your comfort zone, but then your comfort zone starts to become a cage. So make yourself do things which make you uncomfortable until you develop a degree of comfort with, well . . . discomfort. Try driving a new route to work, get lunch from a new shop, or strike up a conversation with a stranger. Do little things to convince yourself that a bit of discomfort won’t kill you. Each time you do, your comfort zone gets a little bigger, and you learn that a little anxiety won’t hurt you.
Brave people are not courageous because they don’t feel fear. They are stalwart because they feel the fear and do it anyway. They know that action is the cure for fear. Because fear is a coward, and when you take a step towards what scares you, fear takes a step back. It never goes away, it will still be growing at you from up ahead, but as you keep moving forward, it keeps moving back.
So keep moving forward. Recognize that fear and anxiety don’t mean something is wrong. Instead, discomfort means you are doing the right thing.
Conclusion
The biggest challenge to self-development is the difficulty in getting ourselves to do what we want to do. We know what we need to do to get healthier, fitter, smarter, happier, and more successful, but we can’t bring ourselves to do it. Understanding the mechanism underlying this paradox can help us formulate strategies to overcome errors in planning, discouragement, distractions, “should,” and your autopilot.
Knowing what is holding you back is not enough. You need to take action, daily action. Stop planning and start acting, face your fears, find your why, head off frustrations, and keep working despite the inevitable setbacks. It will make you uncomfortable, but as you expand your comfort zone, you will learn that you are capable of more than you can now know.
