You are familiar with the tycoon who claims their massive ego brought them success by enabling them to ignore what others told them and never taking no for an answer. However, seemingly every bar has a person who followed the same principles and is now drinking away the pain of their failure. Ego more often gets in the way of success than guarantees it.

On the other hand, many in the eastern tradition tell us that the ego is wrong and should be silenced or eliminated. Yet, without the drive that ego provides, people are unlikely to achieve much in life either.

The ego is a paradox.

As psychologist Mark Leary has pointed out, “while the self can be our greatest resource, it can also be our darkest enemy.”

So which is it, is ego good or bad? Should you want a strong ego or a weak ego?

Fortunately, psychology has studied this issue and concluded that ego is neither good nor bad. We do need an ego to succeed and live a happy life. The secret is in how loudly you allow your ego to speak.

What is Ego?

There are many different concepts of the ego. Psychiatrist Sigmund Freud’s concept may be one of the most famous but also one of the hardest to research. For our purposes, I will define ego as that part of the self that believes in its own importance and needs to see itself in a positive light.

We all need to see ourselves as necessary. And we need to be able to perceive ourselves as good, positive, and right. The problem becomes when that voice inside us gets so loud that it drowns out all other sounds. When all you can hear is your own ego speaking, you are in for a fall.

The Quiet Ego

Research tells us that the best way to live is with a quiet ego. Quieting the ego does not mean making your ego smaller. Instead, researcher Dr. Heidi Wayment and colleagues explain it this way, “The volume of the ego is turned down so that it might listen to others as well as the self in an effort to approach life more humanely and compassionately.”

The goal of a quiet ego is not to silence or eliminate your ego. Instead, you want to keep your ego intact but turn down the volume so that you can hear others as well as yourself. Quieting the ego does not mean thinking less of yourself. It’s not a matter of putting yourself down. Instead, it is a matter of spending less time thinking about yourself so you can be more open to the opinions and needs of others. It is not you or them; it is a balancing of both.

Advantages of a quiet ego

Why would you want to quiet your ego? Because the more the ego is quieted, the higher the likelihood of actually reaching one’s goals. You can try to soothe your overinflated ego by pointing to the exceptions like Steve Jobs, but no one succeeds because they are delusional, arrogant, self-absorbed, and unrealistic. As Ryan Holiday points out in his excellent book, The Ego is the Enemy, Steve Jobs did his best when he resisted these negative traits — when he quieted his ego. Meanwhile, leaders like Howard Hughes, Alexander the Great, and John Delorean failed to quiet their egos and serve as warnings of the fall that an unquiet ego can bring.

Self-esteem

Researchers also found that those with a quiet ego demonstrated healthy self-esteem — the kind that has a firm sense of its own self-worth while acknowledging its limits without feeling the constant need to lash out in defense of itself. That makes sense because if you spend all your time arguing with others about your faults (face to face or in your imagination), you are constantly reminding yourself of what you see as your flaws.

Growth

Rather than waste energy trying to prop up their self-esteem, those with a quiet ego devote that energy to personal growth and balance. Quiet egos seek growth through competence, autonomy, and positive social relationships. Instead of arguing with others about how good they are today, those with a calm ego believe they can become better tomorrow and focus on growth.

And more

The quiet ego was also positively associated with self-compassion, humility, authenticity, spiritual growth, flexible thinking, open-minded thinking, the ability to savor everyday experiences, life satisfaction, resilience, risk-taking, and the feeling that life is meaningful.

In short, a quiet ego is conducive to living a fuller, more open, and more meaningful life. Who would not want that? So the real question is, how do you quiet your ego without killing it?

How to Quiet Your Ego

Wayment suggests four science-based practices to turn down the volume of your ego while building healthy self-worth.

Practice Self-compassion.

Recognize that suffering is part of life, and you have not been singled out. Everyone else is going through the same things you are. So treat yourself with the same kindness you would show to someone for whom you care. Doing so has been demonstrated to promotes well-being and a quiet ego. It can also make you feel closer to others. One trick I like to use when I find myself in difficult circumstances is to imagine that someone else is having that problem. Then I think about what I would say to them. What advice would I give them? What words of encouragement would I offer? Then I take that advice and encouragement to heart.

Play the Equanimity Game.

Life will throw you surprises and knock you down. That is just the way it is. The important thing is not that you got knocked down, but how quickly you get back up. The equanimity game is a game you play with yourself to see how quickly you can recover your equilibrium when life knocks you off balance. It involves recognizing you’re off-axis, pausing to take a moment to steady yourself, and then letting the feeling pass without judging it. Letting it pass does not mean accepting what happened or being ok with it; it does mean recovering your poise so you can evaluate the situation rationally and take appropriate action.

Create cues to quieten your ego.

Know your “Why.” Why do you want to have a quiet ego? Is it so you can better connect to the people in your life. Then you might want to carry a picture of those people with you so you can pull it out and remind yourself why you are quieting your ego. Is it because you want to become a better person? Then carry a memento that reminds you of the person you want to be. It could be a quotation that speaks to you or a list of your personal values served by quieting your ego. There is no right or wrong answer. It is a highly personal choice. Just go with what works for you.

Put yourself in perspective.

Make time to step back and review the events of your life in a detached and dispassionate way. Try to be as objective as possible. Ask yourself questions like; What did I do well? Where can I improve? What do I need to do next? And, How does this fit in with the big picture of my life? Use this as an opportunity to gain perspective on yourself as well as the events in your life. Set aside regular time to review your day and ask these questions. This is an excellent opportunity for journaling. The important thing is that you make time to contemplate your life regularly. Because as Socrates told us, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Repeat.

The ego pops up as a response to stressful situations. And you will be exposed to stressful situations. So this isn’t a one-time fix. Instead, quieting your ego is a daily practice you must work on every day.

Conclusion

The ego is neither right nor wrong, good nor bad. It becomes a problem when it becomes so loud that it drowns out your connection to other people and the world. The solution is not to change the size of your ego, but to quiet it so you can balance your needs with the needs of the people around you. When you do that, you open yourself to the kind of cooperative growth that leads to success. You can cultivate a quiet ego by practicing taking the perspective of others, detaching yourself from the situation, becoming inclusive of others, and focusing on long-term growth over short-term gain.