Comparing yourself to others can be a productive strategy. Learn how to use comparison to achieve more.
How to Use Comparison to Achieve Your Best Results
“I can’t do this,” I told my wife. “I’ll never be good enough.”
I was in the early stages of putting together a talk for a TEDx event, and I was losing my confidence.
“You can do it,” she reassured me. “I know you can. You just need to give it time.”
She was right, as usual. In the end, I did pull it together and presented a talk of which I am proud.
A Crisis of Confidence
On that day, I suffered a crisis of confidence because I was not thinking about my talk. Instead, I was watching other people’s speeches for inspiration and insight on how to present. The problem was, every speaker was better than me in some way.
“I don’t have anything to say,” I continued.
She gave me one of those looks that let me know she did not believe me. “You have plenty to say and people need to hear it. You just need to tell your story and stop comparing yourself to others.”
“Ya, but look at this guy, he is so funny. And that woman is the world’s expert on her subject. How can I compete with that?”
“You don’t,” she said. Which I took to mean she agreed with me that I wasn’t good enough. Then she continued, “It’s not a competition. You just need to tell your story. None of them can tell your story.”
So that is what I did. I told my story and offered my insights. You can watch it here if you like.
My problem was that I was comparing myself to others. Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What might be worse is that comparison can also be the thief of motivation.
The Two Errors of Comparison
The problem with comparison is that we usually compare ourselves to others from a place of weakness. In that comparison, we always come out the loser. And feeling like a loser is no way to get motivated to win. Instead, it encourages us to give up.
In comparing myself to a funny TED speaker, I came out the loser. But my wife reminded me that I was not aiming to be the most humorous TED speaker. My goal was to give my talk.
The other danger of comparison is comparing ourselves to people who are not as good as we are. This comparison can make you feel overconfident and even arrogant. It leads to a false sense of already being good enough. That overconfidence cheats you out of the opportunity to learn and improve.
You are a work-in-progress.
Comparison does not have to be all bad. When used correctly, it can inspire you to appreciate how far you have come and motivate you to continue to improve.
The critical point I needed to keep in mind was that my TED talk was a work in progress. I was comparing my messy middle to other speakers’ polished results. By comparison, mine looked like a mess. But at the same point, those other speakers’ presentations had also been a mess.
Learn to see your effort and yourself as a work in progress. Don’t get hung up on comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle or end. Keep in mind that you can continuously improve and that using comparison correctly can help make that happen.
Photo by Charles Black and courtesy of Chuck Black Photography.
Doing Comparison the Right Way
Compare yourself to those ahead of you.
It can seem demotivating to look at people better than you, but it shouldn’t be. Likely those very same people were once in your shoes, and then they got better. If they can do it, then so can you.
Look to your betters for lessons in two areas:
1. How to be better.
People ahead of you have more skill and experience than you do. It can be difficult, but you need to look at them and see where you fall short. Identify the gap between where you are and where they are. This can be humbling, but it does not have to be discouraging. It is vital to make this kind of comparison because we have a natural desire to stick to the things we are comfortable doing. But to grow and improve, you need to accept getting uncomfortable. Comparing yourself to someone better will help you identify the areas where you need to improve — areas you may be ignoring.
2. How to get better.
Try to see your betters as mentors. Don’t look at just what they do better; also look for clues about how they developed those skills. Remember, they were once where you are today. To improve, they had to learn how to improve. Seek out clues on how they did this. In an era of mass media, podcasts, etc., there are lots of places you can look for interviews and commentary that will tip you off. Become a detective and seek out those clues. This can cut down on your learning curve by helping you to identify the most effective strategies and avoid wasting time going in the wrong direction.
The One Thing Those Better Than You Have Done More Than You
One other thing to keep in mind is that your betters have done one thing a lot more than you have. Watching a skier executing aerial gymnastics in the terrain park of our local ski resort, my son was in awe.
“How does he do that?” my pre-teen asked.
“Well, he has done one thing more times than you have.”
“What’s that?” my son asked.
“Fallen down,” I replied.
My children saw falling while skiing as a mark of failure. They even kept score of who fell the most times — to them, not falling was the mark of skill. But to take their skiing to the next level, they would need to push their boundaries, and that would mean falling down — a lot.
You tend to forget that a lot of improvement comes from making mistakes and sometimes falling flat on your face. Yet anyone who has gotten good at anything has also suffered a lot of failures. This reminds me of the Michael Jordan quote;
“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”— Michael Jordan
Photo by Charles Black and courtesy of Chuck Black Photography.
Compare yourself to those behind you.
Looking at those who are ahead of you highlights the gap between where you are and where you want to be. Looking back is an excellent way to appreciate how far you have come. Reflecting on how much you have gained allows you to enjoy how much you have grown and developed. And that reminder serves as good motivation to continue to improve.
The trick here is to look back with gratitude at what you have accomplished. The danger is that it will make you feel superior to those who are not at your level. That can be not good for you and them. Bad for others because no one wants you to condescend to them. Bad for you because you can become overconfident in your ability which robs you of the opportunity to continue to improve.
One good way to reinforce your gains while maintaining your humility is to mentor others. Often when teaching others, the instructor is forced to confront what they do not know. Sometimes it is the teacher who learns more than the student.
My Story
Having completed a surgical residency, I now see how these lessons were in front of me for five years. As a resident, I looked up to more senior residents and attending surgeons, which showed me how far I needed to go. But I was also responsible for teaching medical students and junior residents, which reminded me how far I had come. That constant comparison from in front of and behind me let me know what I needed to learn, what I had learned, and that I could continue to improve.
The One Person You Must Compare Yourself To
In the end, there is one person you always need to be comparing yourself to. That person is the you of yesterday. Each day ask yourself if you have gotten a little better than you were the day before. Your goal each day should always be to do a little better than your previous self. If you can look in the mirror and honestly say you have improved compared to the person you were the previous day, then you are doing it right.
Conclusion
I did all of the above. I looked to the performances of previous TED speakers to see what I should and should not be doing. Then I looked back at my earlier efforts to gauge the improvement I had made. I worked on my talk a little bit each day, practicing in front of the dryer in the laundry room an uncounted number of times. I performed in front of friends, family, and practice audiences. Not all of those performances went well, but I learned something from each one. Over time, it all came together.
I was humble as I looked at how far I needed to go and grateful for the progress I had made. I accepted mentoring from coaches and my fellow presenters while offering advice and encouragement as well. But, the most important factor that kept me going was the certainty that every day I was a little better than the day before.
“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man: true nobility is being superior to your former self.“— Ernest Hemingway
Read More:
How to Stop Worry from Cheating You Out of Living.
The Danger of Stress in How You Deal with It.
How to Develop a Philosophy of Life
