I woke up in the early hours to a warm, comfortable bed and a cold and disquieting thought. Earlier that day, my wife had undergone a routine medical test that identified a frightening problem. A problem that can result in sudden cardiac death, and the thought that seized me was the fear that she might not be breathing.

My Fear

I was too afraid to touch her. I wasn’t sure how I would react if I discovered she would never wake up. I couldn’t fathom my world without this woman who has been by my side for over three decades.

Eventually, I reached over and felt the slow, steady, reassuring rhythm of her breathing. Then I placed my arm around her and held her close. I did not go back to sleep. Afraid she might stop breathing if I fell back to sleep, I lay awake until dawn.

The Real Problem

I was trying to influence a situation outside my control by staying awake. I could not prevent my wife’s heart from suddenly stopping in the night. That was outside my control, and laying awake trying to regulate something I couldn’t wasn’t doing my wife or myself any good.

My wife’s newly discovered heart condition was what it was. That was the reality of the situation. Reality does not need, nor does it want our approval. It simply is what it is, and no amount of desire to change it will have any effect.

Reality does not need, nor does it want our approval.

Fighting Reality

When you fight reality, reality always wins. All you accomplish is making yourself miserable in the process.

The source of our suffering is self-imposed. Our suffering stems from one belief; that reality should be different than it is.

We’re conditioned to believe the world should be a certain way, and when reality fails to meet our expectations, we get upset. But that upset does not come from the external world but from within us.

“It shouldn’t be like this,” is the common refrain of individuals making themselves miserable by battling reality. But reality doesn’t care what we think it should be. It just is what it is.

Reality doesn’t care what we think it should be. It just is what it is.

You Can’t Change Reality

No amount of insistence that reality is wrong will alter the world. Yet, we frequently act like that isn’t true. We battle against reality with increasing indignation and stubbornness as if the universe will bend to the will of one single human. What hubris.

Worst of all, we go about it childishly. Children hold their breath or break a favourite toy to force adults to give them what they want by making themselves suffer. Yet, we also do that as adults.

Why We Suffer

We suffer in the false belief that if we become miserable enough, the world will have to take note and bend to our desire. People do this by worrying themselves sick, overworking, or withholding love from those they think don’t love them enough. All of these strategies are ways people make themselves miserable to change reality. None of them work.

What to Do About it Instead

Acceptance is the only strategy that makes any sense in a situation outside your control. You have to accept that things are the way they are.

It’s important to understand that acceptance and agreement are not the same things. You can accept reality without agreeing with it. Injustice exists; whether we like it or not, we must accept that. But accepting that injustice exists does not mean we approve of it. Acceptance allows us to look at reality as it is.

The opposite of acceptance is judgment. When we judge, we see an issue as either good or bad. Then we can no longer see the problem clearly because of our judgment. We now see it through the lens of our decision. That colors how we see the issue and disrupts our view of reality.

We can see the situation for what it is only by accepting it nonjudgmentally. When we see the problem for what it is, rather than what we think it should be, then we can understand. Once we understand, the way forward becomes clear.

Our suffering stems from one belief; that reality should be different than it is.

Back to My Story

I resisted acceptance at first. Instead, I told myself, “this shouldn’t be happening. My wife is a good person. She eats a healthy diet and exercises daily. She even teaches yoga classes. This shouldn’t be happening to her.”

Of course, I really meant this shouldn’t be happening to me. I felt I hadn’t done anything to deserve laying awake all night, worrying that my wife’s heart might stop at any moment. Maybe I was right, and I didn’t deserve this, but that did not change the reality of the situation. Whether this was my fault or not, it was my problem, and I needed to deal with it.

To deal with it, I needed to accept it as it was and not try to force it to be what I thought it should be. I needed to focus not on why this happened but on what we would do about it.

Whether this was my fault or not, it was my problem, and I needed to deal with it.

A New Morning

As the sun rose, I came to accept the situation. That does not mean I liked it, I certainly did not, but I accepted it. That acceptance made the next part much easier.

As we met with the cardiologist in the hospital, I moved away from asking why we were afflicted with this problem and focused on understanding and figuring out what to do next. Not sure either of us was thrilled with the procedure she needed, but I understood its necessity and accepted the reality.

My wife is now home and safe, or at least protected. Her heart problem is not corrected, but we have an effective solution to keep her safe going forward. I have accepted that and now understand that our lives are not entirely in our control. I also understand how precious our time together really is. I may have known that in some way before, but now I have a much more intuitive understanding of how valuable our time together really is.

Summary

We make ourselves miserable when we struggle against reality. Saying, “It shouldn’t be like this,” doesn’t change the fact that this is how it is. Reality does not need, nor does it want our consent. Struggling against reality is how we misinterpret situations and produce our own suffering. Rather than judging reality, we need to learn to accept it. Acceptance does not mean we need to like or agree with it, but we do need to recognize that this is the way the world is.

Once we accept reality as it is, we can understand it. When we understand, the actions we need to take will become clear. But we can’t reach an understanding if we don’t first accept without judgment.

The way to limit the suffering in your life is to learn to accept reality as it is. Suffering occurs when we believe our situation should be different than it is. The friction of our false belief against the granite of reality creates the spark that ultimately burns us, not reality. Learn to accept without judgment, understand and then act from understanding, and your life will not be problems free, but you will avoid unnecessary suffering.

The friction of our false belief against the granite of reality creates the spark that ultimately burns us.

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